I feel like something is wrong. I don't know. I really am going crazy. My friend Green Bean is really lucky. I met her boyfriend. You can tell just looking at him that he really cares about her.
Anyways, the whole point of this blog. is to try and suss out why I am feeling this way.
I was talking last night with that guy. I think it scares me someone being really nice and the moment he stops talking for some reason I feel really insecure. I have MAJOR ISSUES. I guess that is one way to say it. Maybe I really just need to stop looking but right now at this point it's like telling me to stop breathing. I hate being this way but I don't know how to change it.
Next thing. I haven't gone to the gym in a very long time and am on my last nerve with how my half is the only half of the room that is clean.
I don't like this feeling. I try to be the funny, nice, sweet, honest , and flirty girl. But it always backfires for one reason or another. I don't know. I either come on too strong or not enough. I am sucky at this. I feel like I should crawl into a ball most days and just not move cause if i do it hurts. UGGG, why for once can't I find a realitonship and be happy again. I am happy when I am with my friends now and all but. I want to find love. I am hopeless romantic.
IS THIS GOD PUNISHING ME FOR HOW I BROKE UP WITH MY EX? IS THAT IT? was I wrong for breaking up with the guy who treated me like a child most days and ignored me for his music others? Why am I not allowed to want to be the thing a guy can't stop looking at(in a good way)? Why can't I be the one he calls to say goodnight to? Why can't I be the one who he drives in the dead of night to see?
I don't know. I think I am going to go lay down and crawl into that ball now. I feel another Introverted time coming on.
Bye for now.
Everyone gets those sort of inexplicable melancholy moods (when I was little I used to call it feeling "blah" - you don't really understand where it's coming from or why it's so strong, but suddenly the world just feels so sharp). I hope you feel better soon, but sometimes I feel like people need to wallow a little bit before they get over it, so don't feel like you need to be happy to please others, before you're ready.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with trying to be a better person, but according to your own values. You're young. You have time.
Ooh, cause you like quotes so much! "Slow down, you crazy child (that's not to say that you're crazy! I think these feelings are actually very normal, although still valid)... When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?" Billy Joel. =] That whole song, really...
Hope you rediscover that peace you had in your "Perfect Moments" post!